I wish I weren't here under these circumstances.
I wish I were here visiting my family just because...but I'm not...so I'll take what I can get.
About Me
- The Madd Scrapper
- a dynamic thirty-something. In my day job I better educate more children but at night I'm someone else! I'm a Madd Scrapper...like a scientist,I'm in my lab boiling up tons of handmade awesomeness..somebody help me!!! I have a sick obsession with all things creative...I can't stop thinking of ways to turn the ordinary into something extraordinary. I dream of pattern paper, stickers, ribbon, scissors and glue...I can't stay away from craft stores...I try but I just can't...uuugghhh...will it ever end?? I hope not. I LOVE this stuff..I eat.sleep.scrap!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Reality Check
In my previous post, I said that it doesn't seem like my father has passed. I know he has but I just didn't feel it.
I had a reality check today. As I walked into the funeral home, I saw my dad's name and picture scrolling on the marquee...
Still doesn't feel real to me.
Walked into the room where he was...
A little more real, but not quite.
Walked up to the casket in which he lay...
VERY REAL!
I was overcome with emotion as I looked at my father laying in the casket.
He looked great. I know it sounds weird that I'm saying my deceased father looked great but he did. While he didn't look like I remember him, he still looked great. He had a slight smile on his face as if to say, "finally,I am at peace"
...and I'm at peace because he's at peace.
I had a reality check today. As I walked into the funeral home, I saw my dad's name and picture scrolling on the marquee...
Still doesn't feel real to me.
Walked into the room where he was...
A little more real, but not quite.
Walked up to the casket in which he lay...
VERY REAL!
I was overcome with emotion as I looked at my father laying in the casket.
He looked great. I know it sounds weird that I'm saying my deceased father looked great but he did. While he didn't look like I remember him, he still looked great. He had a slight smile on his face as if to say, "finally,I am at peace"
...and I'm at peace because he's at peace.
Not Sure How I Feel
It's been a while since I've posted..and a lot has happened since my last post on January 23rd. I know I gotta quit taking these long breaks...and just share with you what's happening in my world.
In an earlier post I shared with you that my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I also shared with you that he was on a very aggressive treatment plan; chemo and radiation combined 3 days a week.
That stupid treatment plan didn't work. It didn't kill the cancer. It didn't make him feel better. He died. He died on Thursday, April 21st @ 12:06 p.m.
Here's the response I get when I share the news. "Awww, sorry for your loss. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. How you holding up?" I automatically respond. "Thanks, I'm good." When in fact the truth is...I'm not sure how I feel. I've got a wide of range of emotions going on. First, let tell you that it doesn't seem real. I know it is but it just doesn't feel like it. No, I'm not in denial. While I was expecting my father to pass away at some point, why'd it have to be now? I guess I was hoping that he'd beat this cancer thing and show it who's boss. It does happen you know.
I'm not sure how I feel. I'm all over the freakin' place. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm angry yet I also feel bouts of happiness and peace. Weird. In the words of Mr. Brown, "what da what?"
I'm thinking and trying to process my feelings...
I still don't know how I feel about it all...
In an earlier post I shared with you that my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I also shared with you that he was on a very aggressive treatment plan; chemo and radiation combined 3 days a week.
That stupid treatment plan didn't work. It didn't kill the cancer. It didn't make him feel better. He died. He died on Thursday, April 21st @ 12:06 p.m.
Here's the response I get when I share the news. "Awww, sorry for your loss. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. How you holding up?" I automatically respond. "Thanks, I'm good." When in fact the truth is...I'm not sure how I feel. I've got a wide of range of emotions going on. First, let tell you that it doesn't seem real. I know it is but it just doesn't feel like it. No, I'm not in denial. While I was expecting my father to pass away at some point, why'd it have to be now? I guess I was hoping that he'd beat this cancer thing and show it who's boss. It does happen you know.
I'm not sure how I feel. I'm all over the freakin' place. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm angry yet I also feel bouts of happiness and peace. Weird. In the words of Mr. Brown, "what da what?"
I'm thinking and trying to process my feelings...
I still don't know how I feel about it all...
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