Not Sure How I Feel

It's been a while since I've posted..and a  lot has happened since my last post on January 23rd. I know I gotta quit taking these long breaks...and just share with you what's happening in my world.

In an earlier post I shared with you that my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I also shared with you that he was on a very aggressive treatment plan; chemo and radiation combined 3 days a week.

That stupid treatment plan didn't work. It didn't kill the cancer. It didn't make him feel better. He died. He died on Thursday, April 21st @ 12:06 p.m.

Here's the response I get when I share the news. "Awww, sorry for your loss. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. How you holding up?" I automatically respond. "Thanks, I'm good." When in fact the truth is...I'm not sure how I feel. I've got a wide of range of emotions going on. First, let tell you that it doesn't seem real. I know it is but it just doesn't feel like it. No, I'm not in denial. While I was expecting my father to pass away at some point, why'd it have to be now?  I guess I was hoping that he'd beat this cancer thing and show it who's boss. It does happen you know.

I'm not sure how I feel. I'm all over the freakin' place. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm angry yet I also feel bouts of happiness and peace. Weird. In the words of Mr. Brown, "what da what?"

I'm thinking and trying to process my feelings...

I still don't know how I feel about it all...